


The Young Man is Lost

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Series: The Two Sides of the Moon [8]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Betrayal, Established Relationship, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Werewolf Mates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:15:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25514875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: Remus thought his heart was destroyed. Until the wolf begged him for forgiveness.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: The Two Sides of the Moon [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1486598
Comments: 6
Kudos: 58





	The Young Man is Lost

Remus stared at Sirius as they sat in Dumbledore's office. The words that had just come from his mate had been soft and riddled with guilt. Remus didn't care. He still wanted to punch the shivering young man. Because of Sirius and his temper, Remus had almost killed Snape. The wolf had almost killed Snape. His mate had almost undone everything he, his mother, and the Marauders had done to keep the school, and ultimately Remus, safe.

Seconds later, Remus gripped his wand, even before he realized he took it out of his robe pocket. Oddly, he didn't know who he wanted to use it on. Sirius deserved some kind of punishment for putting Snape at risk. But the snide remarks Snape was making (to hide the fear Remus could see in Snape's eyes) felt like nettles in Remus's mind. He wanted to lash out at the Slytherin to rid himself of the pain. Remus could even lash out at Dumbledore for putting him through this trial. Why not just banish him from the school now? He knew that his life as a student was over because of what the wolf had almost done.

Mostly, however, Remus wanted to turn the wand on himself. He deserved it, by making the ultimate mistake. He had believed he deserved a life. He had let his roommates and his mate blind him to the truth: he was a burden too heavy for anyone to bear.

His shoulders slumped, causing everyone in the room, the Marauders, Lily Evans, the teachers, even Severus Snape (though the half-blood Prince would never admit it) to turn to Remus worriedly. Because of the tension in the room, only one person dared to reach out. This time, it was not his mate, nor his friends.

Minvera McGonagall gripped her young charge's shoulder firmly and whispered in his ear. "You are a person, not a stone. This was not your fault."

McGonagall had heard Lyall Lupin's words to his son when the man had sent a howler to him after the child had been selected for Gryffindor. The howler had admonished the child to not be a burden to his house. As if there was no way he could have been an asset. The father knew nothing of his son, McGonagall was sure. Remus was a gift to all those around him. Even Snape depended on the lycanthrope to send notes to Evans at times. McGonagall knew that Remus wouldn't believe words to that effect, but a comforting hand sometimes spoke loudly. So she left her hand on his shoulder and waited.

Slowly the wand dropped away from Remus's chest.

As it did, James Potter let out an almost gasping sigh of relief. He reached out and clutched Lily's hand. Rather than yanking her hand back, the red-headed young woman squeezed his hand just as hard. They both had seen how the wand had dug into Remus's shirt right above his heart. They both knew that Remus had shouldered the heavy words his father spouted. It was a relief when he let the professor remove some of the weight.

James's eyes locked with Lily's. She nodded. They would help Remus through this catastrophe, somehow.

Peter preoccupied himself with the piece of candy the headmaster had given him. A lemon drop. It was easier to concentrate on the sweetly sour taste than the tension in the room at the moment.

Sirius Black shivered with his head down. The pain from his conscience weighed heavily on him. He had nearly killed Remus. That thought echoed in his head along with the lecture Dumbledore had given him about his impulsivity. He couldn't be impulsive around the wolf, not if he wanted to protect Remus.

He would remember that if he ever got the chance to be with his mate again. For he had broken the trust Remus had in him. He knew rejection was just around the corner. Unlike the one forced on him by his family, this one he deserved.

Albus Dumbledore sighed and decided he had done enough at the moment. The rest would have to be worked out among the young people in front of him. So he swore Severus to secrecy, doled out punishment for Sirius (with Hagrid. That would get him far enough away from his roommates to allow Miss Evans some time with Remus), and gave Remus his assignments for the rest of the day.

He was not surprised when Minerva nearly fell into a chair as the last teenager left the room. The incident had been too close to disaster. MUCH too close.

\----

Remus read over his assignments as he rested on his bed. But he couldn't concentrate enough to start them. The weight of the wolf on his shoulders was just too heavy. He needed some time to think about what had just happened, and to let out his frustration.

Because the moment he faced Sirius after Dumbledore told him what happened, Remus realized that his mate didn't understand what he had done.

He had turned Remus into a _weapon._

In doing so, Sirius revealed how much he didn't understand the wolf. He didn't understand the vulnerability Remus faced every month.

Because the curse had been created so long ago to turn someone's enemy into a weapon against their family, their kin. Nobody was quite sure who cast the spell, but it had obviously been for revenge of some sort.

Then Greyback had turned Remus into a weapon against his father. Lyall suffered under its punishment even when Remus was in school. For he could turn into a burden at any moment. Like now, Remus supposed. His father probably would say that he shouldn't had let his friends so close. People make mistakes. People don't know how to deal with the wolf, so they shouldn't have to.

The burden would create pain for Remus, and ultimately, his father. Remus thought Lyall had suffered enough pain. He didn't realize Lyall's words had caused some of the pain his son suffered under.

But that was a problem for another day. At that moment, he had to deal with Sirius and his actions. Remus needed to decide what to do. Sirius was his mate. He had willingly shouldered the burden of the wolf. Then he used it against Snape, and in a way, against Remus. Or so Lily had said before he had walked to the Tower.

She had said that this time, Sirius had used him like a Black would. Like Sirius had been used by his parents. Sirius should have known better.

Remus curled up on the bed. If being used was the price he had to pay for being accepted, he would leave the school. In the end, it hurt too much.

That though stayed with him as his body forced him to rest.

He had just dozed off when someone called "Remus?" from the room's doorway to the common room. Lily, his muddled mind figured out after a few moments.

When he raised his head, she walked over to his bed slowly. "I brought you some food. James was worried. He was sure you hadn't eaten anything since last night." She set the covered plate on the windowsill next to his bed, then met his eyes. 

Her face held such worry and compassion that tears came forth before he could stop them. A moment later her arms were around him, and he was sobbing.

Lily didn't say anything as she held him. Remus didn't think she could say anything that would make much of a difference. Until James came in a few minutes later and muttered, "He told me he knew how to take care of you. I trusted him to watch out for you when the wolf had control. I'm sorry, Remus. I shouldn't have trusted him."

Remus looked up at James as a sighed wracked his frame. He knew that he was to blame for this. "But I..."

"You didn't do anything," James said as he nervously pushed up his glasses. "And the wolf did what it was created for. I knew Sirius was arguing with Snape last night. I should have known that he could get out of control. He's done it before."

Remus nodded as Lily let him go. "Usually after a trip home, or a letter from his parents."

"I spotted a letter a couple days ago, but couldn't read it. He was in the room at the time."

Remus sighed as he looked around the room. "Where is he?"

James shrugged. "Wormtail's at lunch, but I haven't seen Sirius since we left the Headmaster's office. I didn't care to chase after him, either. I don't think I could stand to look at someone who could hurt his friend, his love, like that."

Remus stared at James in shock. He left Sirius behind? James and Sirius were practically brothers. Remus didn't think anything could separate them.

But then James sat next to Remus and patted his leg. "Marauders take care of each other, especially when they are vulnerable. On full moon nights, you are the most vulnerable one of us."

Remus looked at James with a skeptical expression. James just shook his head. "It's true. So many things can go wrong when you're the wolf. That's why I make both him and Peter go through your list of rules before we approach the shack. If we make a mistake, you might end up paying for it."

Remus shuddered. This time, he almost did pay for it.

"He took it very seriously, until last night. Without the pun," James said with a weak smile. "But Lily heard Snape say something about Regulus. And you know how Sirius reacts to words about his little brother."

Remus nodded. "With enough fire to rival a Norwegian Ridgeback."

Lily took Remus's hand. "Then Severus insulted you, I think. I thought Sirius was just going to hex him a bit. That's why I left them. But when James said the map showed them running into the tunnel, we went right after them."

"I'm surprised you don't have a headache after Lily's hexes and spells to keep the wolf from moving."

Lily glared at James but Remus just chuckled. "I did feel like a muggle truck ran over me when I woke up. One of the big ones that carry stones to build with." He shook his head at the red-head's worried eyes. "I'm just glad they worked."

James handed Remus the plate from the Great Hall. "But now you need to recover from them as well as the transformation. So eat. Lily bribed a house elf to get you some marmalade toast even though breakfast had already been put away."

Lily shrugged. "She wanted my barrette."

Remus pushed back tears as he bit into his toast. "Thank you."

James shrugged. "You're one of us, Moony. We need you. We want to keep you where you belong. Right here."

Lily nodded solemnly.

Remus could feel the strength of their conviction right to his bones. But he knew, with this incident, something had been lost.

\----

Remus laid down once James and Lily left the room. He dozed for a few moments, and had almost fallen asleep when the wolf nudged him.

In his half awake state, he could almost see the cursed being on the bed beside him. It appeared cowed and worried, like Padfoot did when he had accidentally pushed Remus into the lake a few weeks ago.

Oddly, he moved to comfort the wolf as he had Padfoot. Even more surprisingly, the wolf bowed his head to the pillow to accept the pat.

 _I have misjudged the beautiful one_ , the wolf said in his head. _I thought his loyalty was absolute._

 _"Nothing with Sirius is absolute,"_ Remus replied. _"Chaos was all he knew until we came along. We've had to teach him the meaning of steadfast."_

_And of control, it seems. I should have known he could not maintain the hold over his temper._

_"You didn't provoke him."_ Remus thought back to the wolf's moments of control over him yesterday morning. He had pet Sirius's hair as the young man had complained about how Snape was corrupting his little brother. The wolf had said nothing, but Remus assumed that the beast had as much trouble as Remus did finding the right things to say.

 _I should have told him to desist so he could calm._ The wolf's feelings of guilt were all too familiar to Remus.

 _"Or I should have, when you settled."_ Remus sighed.

The wolf gently nosed Remus's cheek. _We have all made mistakes here. But the biggest mistake belongs to the Pup. He did not trust that you would help him if the young snake was truly harming his brother. He knows now that he has wronged us in his doubt. Do not let him lose himself in his guilt._

Remus resisted for a moment, then nodded. _"He is ours, even when he's wrong."_

The wolf agreed. _He needs one who is steadfast to help him defeat those who birthed him. We can remind him that pain is not the only route to take._

 _"That's ironic, coming from you."_ Remus stared into the wolf's ghostly amber eyes for a moment.

The wolf's eyes twinkled slightly as he replied, _My survival depends on yours. So I showed you a way out of the pain I cause. Go, find him. Before the survival of us all is in jeopardy._

Remus sat up as the ghostly image on his bed disappeared. Then he pulled on his clothes and went to grab the Marauder's Map from James's trunk.

\----

The floor of the top level of the Astronomy Tower appeared empty as Remus stepped onto it. But it didn't sound empty. The sniffling was quiet but it was definitely not his imagination. So Remus followed his sensitive hearing until his foot bumped into something. Then he sat on the floor and reached out.

Sirius's sniffling turned into sobs as Remus gathered him into his arms. "'M sorry, Moony," The black haired young man murmured into the werewolf's neck.

"I know, Pads. Just rest." Remus shifted so that the invisibility cloak covered them both. They couldn't stay here long, but he expected that James would be searching for them soon enough to help them get back to the dorm without enduring the usual gossip.

In the meantime, he would give Sirius the sense of security he needed. He knew this would help his mate apologize and find a way to do better, at least for a time. There would be more stumbles and shocks in their future. Remus didn't fool himself by thinking otherwise.

But if one could not stay on the path of steadfastness, the next best thing was to keep it in your sights as much as you could so your feet found their way back to it.

Remus planned to be the map Sirius needed.

**Author's Note:**

> This took awhile to get to you because a pandemic hit, then I was hit by a hobbit (see the list, that one's still in progress). I will continue to pick at this series as I have my others. Thank you for being onboard with me.


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